I'm aware this is a topic that is very unorthodox but I need to reach out to my Tradgang brothers and sisters. I'm not going to go into details on a public forum but I will say this.
Just about a year ago my wife and I suffered a completely debilitating set of circumstances. Circumstances that I know we will never get over but we are trying to live and cope with.
I always shot my bows 4/5 days a week, hunted countless hours enjoying every second of it. Now it's the opposite, I have shot very little , and hunted ounce. The times I have shot, I can feel deep down that I still love to watch the arrow fly, but am unable to overcome life's curve ball.
Everyone has difficult times in their life and deals with them how they need to deal with them. What I am asking for advice is this...
During those tough times, how do you get out and enjoy the things you know you still do in regards to bowhunting and watching the arrow fly? How has the outdoors helped you? I'm looking for suggestions that I may try.
I too have been going thru a rough time. I find the mountains a way for relief. There something about the wonder of wildlife that brings things to a much simpler place. Much like the simplicity of trad. archery. It takes me back when times seem less complicated.
If this is a true passion? Like enjoying any passion, it will help w/ your adversities.
From personal experience: Severe emotional pain makes it very difficult or impossible to feel the normal joy and happiness that goes with doing things we like. Doing those things may help to a degree, but often the emptiness just goes wherever we go. Hard to enjoy a steak when you have very little appetite for it. My experiences taught me that going afield was good, but it definitely does nothing to correct the cause of the emotional pain. Dealing with that root cause (however badly you don't want to face it) is the best and surest way to make progress. Don't be ashamed to grieve and express it, but know there is a point where living in never-ending grief is a death sentence for your happy times.
I don't consider my outdoor sporting life and adventures to be a cure for anything, but they can be an antidote or tonic for those times when life is wearing thin.
I truly hope you and your family find comfort and peace.
For me, in difficult times I tend to revert back to what brings me joy and that is the woods. I simple walk stump shooting and taking in gods creation heals my soul.
Richard,
Hang in there Brother. I don't know your circumstances but even if I did it would not matter cause no one knows what you are going through but you. I lost my wife of about 8 years to cancer back in 1993. It was such a debilitating event that I thought I would not survive it at times. The one thing I hated most was folks with good intentions trying to tell me they knew how I felt - they did not. And so I won't pretend to know how you feel. All I will say is that I started over. I re-married and have two beautiful kids. I look back now and say "I love my kids so much that I would change a thing in the past that would make them not be here." I now bowhunt with mu son and somehow I feel that Sandra (my former wife that passed) is looking on and would have it no other way.
Good luck to you my brother and I hope you find peace in your life's journey.
Read what Kevin said. All the rest is a distraction at best. You need to get past the main issue, and that takes time and effort. Often a lot of each.
After that, the things you loved to do will still be there waiting for you.
ChuckC
I lost my wife to cancer a little over a year ago. Our thing was traveling to tournaments and camping. The first 3 or 4 times I pulled the camper to a tournament, set it up and sat there alone, I wanted to hook back up and go home, it was a sad time. Determined not to quit,I kept going to tournaments and on about tournament number 5, I had fun, #6 was a blast and I couldn't wait for the next one.
All I can say is you will never get over your tragedy but things will get better. Don't quit the things you once liked, you will like them again in time.
Sometimes we make the mistake of waiting to feel better before we try to resume normal activities after a loss. I have found, that doing the things I used to love to do did not at all fulfill me during the grieving process. However, doing them is better than ruminating and in time, which varies with individuals, life generally will get back to normal. One professional proferred that I take a specific time of the day to grieve and then try to move on with normal life. It takes time and in time life will normalize and hopefully the loss will just become a bad memory and not an impediment. Don't be too hard on yourself but don't stop living, either. If you can manage going to work, making meals, doing chores, etc. you can find time to enjoy to some degree the things that you love. It will get better. God bless.
I am sorry to hear of your troubles but it appears that you've been well advised by some fine tg'ers. Best wishes to you Buddy.
I found shooting and other things of this form of archery that we enjoy so much to be a distraction at times when I just needed to stop thinking. My faith in God and traditional archery got me through what I'll never get over.
A loss of tragedy of any type needs a time of grieving, a time of healing, and a return to life as best as we are able. We each process these things in different ways.
When I went through a divorce 11 years ago, after 26 years of marriage, first, I relied heavily on my faith in Christ and spent a lot of time in prayer and Bible study. I found that shooting my bow and hunting, while at that time more of a chore than a pleasure, helped draw me back to the reality of life. There are things I enjoy, life will continue, some areas of my life were still the same.
For me, the turning point was when I considered that what happened, happened, it hurt, I didn't like it, but I had a choice to make: I could continue to grieve, or like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, I could choose to rise up and make a new life. It took work, but it did work.
Today, I am far happier, far more satisfied, and have a better understanding and appreciation for life than I had - and a wonderful wife! I wouldn't ask to go back through what I did then, but I did grow through the experience.
We each handle grief in our own way and on our own timetable. I know it sounds trite and cold, but it won't always be like this.
I agree with rough rider... Faith,Family and Friends helped me go through the valleys of my life. Faith in Christ being the biggest factor. He said to "cast ALL your cares upon me". Hang in there brother... I'll be praying for you and your family
My only advice is don't confused the two "G's": grieving & guilt.
It's almost impossible to go through tragic loss, or grievous circumstances, without dealing with questions like, "why them and not me?", "what should I have done different?", "what more could I have given?". However normal this response is, it is a guilt reaction, other creatures don't do this - only humans. We begin to judge ourselves (in hindsight) which always shows our own inadequacy bringing more guilt ... and guilt is much more debilitating than grieving alone.
It is good, right and necessary to grieve. But grief doesn't make you feel "bad" for enjoying your life. That's what guilt does. I personally dealt with this after the passing of my brother. The "what if's" and "what I should've done's" could've killed me ... then I realized that I was not honoring my brother ... I was dwelling in my loss, my tragedy, my loneliness. He would want me to live, to smile, to love each moment as he surely would.
I don't pretend to know your circumstance or the burden you bare but please, for your sake and those who love you, don't let guilt be a part of your grief. It will rob you of all joy.
Remember, we only get to do this once, there are no do-overs, so to the best of your ability, within the circumstances you've been given, LIVE.
Richard, my wife and I suffered a terrible and very painful loss. It took a lot of time to learn to live with it and enjoy doing things. The hurt is still there and always will be. You are not alone in going thru a very tough situation. We decided we where not going to let this ruin our lives and worked thru it. Keep doing the things you loved and don't be afraid to get professional help.
May seem too easy but only God can bring you through this. You have to have hope in his grand plan.
Having said that, anything that takes you to a place where you can contemplate on God's love is a good thing. Bowhunting is not spiritual, thinking of God is.
Richard, from a purely clinical perspective, depression is a normal part of grieving, and ahedonia, the inability to enjoy things you would normally enjoy, is a normal part of depression. Archery , especially if you were shooting and hunting mostly alone, is a solitary activity that can have a Zen-like quality when your mind is at peace but, from personal experience when I was going through a very difficult stressful time, nothing was harder to find than a peaceful mind while sitting alone with my thoughts in a treestand, and even now I have to avoid reading my work email before I go out to shoot in the mornings...the upset will infringe on my relaxation and focus with a bow in my hand. Try to engage in activities that involve other people and which require focus on an external challenge...chess, volunteering with Habitat for Humanity doing framing, bowling with friends, etc. Find a local archery club and go to a shoot where you can spend more time socializing and swapping stories about bows,hunting trips, potluck game dinners, etc, and don't worry about accuracy. Hang in there!
Takes time. It doesn't heal all wounds, but they will eventually scab over. The scar will always be there, but I have found the pain to subside greatly.
All the worlds' leaders should spend time in a treestand, I've solved every problem from ebola to immigration this fall. Not a good place to be if all you can focus on is grief. I think I would try all the great suggestions above and maybe something that takes ALL your focus. For me it would be nymph-fishing for trout. Or if I was younger downhill skiing. Good Luck. Talk about it with somebody and , speaking from experience here, don't self medicate too much.
I appreciate all of the replies, thank you. I always put my priorities 1st.
God
Family
Archery
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I would encourage you to keep doing the things you normally enjoy, even though it seems difficult to enjoy during trying times.
6 years ago I lost my baby boy and if not for Christ the Lord and my faith in him, I dont know where I'd be. He is the ultimate healer.
God bless you during this hard time.
Anytime I have troubles in my life I always look to the woods as my get away or grabbing my bow and slinging some arrows.
QuoteOriginally posted by frassettor:
I appreciate all of the replies, thank you. I always put my priorities 1st.
God
Family
Archery
Somewhere in there you left out
Eating . ;)
I love you brother!
No advice,just caring.
God bless,Mudd
My wife has cancer, has been fighting it for 14 years now. Three days ago she had major surgery again. We are still in hospital, me sleeping on a chair.
What we most want is to go home and do normal stuff,. Pet the dog, cook our own food, go for a walk, and yes maybe shoot a few targets. Habits and hobbies can be therapeutic, give a break from being absorbed in tragedy around the clock. These things have become so much more valuable, less taken for granted.
Wish you Peace.
Prayers to you and your family. May you find comfort in God
Lost my wife carol to pancreatic cancer 3/12years ago ! I could not go into the woods fish or anything for 2 years . My best friend left me . Pryor to that 2/12 years of just wanting to be with her during treatments . I didn't care . Just wanted to be with my baby . Time Time. It takes time and healing from god. . I posted on some sites that thank god I have archery to get me thru all this hell . I can go into the woods now and hunt without crying and going home. Sorry for the rant
Wow. This is such a powerf thread. My family was struck with a horrendous tragedy about 10 months ago. The anxiety that resulted from it was almost unbearable at times. Yes faith gets you through and to know that you are never really alone even though it feels that way. It actually helped me to be in the tree. And to do things even if you really don't feel like it. Acceptance is very important. Not sure if any of this will help you but things do get easier with time. God bless you and your family. Bill
QuoteOriginally posted by Izzy:
I am sorry to hear of your troubles but it appears that you've been well advised by some fine tg'ers. Best wishes to you Buddy.
Prayers up for you and yours, that you get through these difficult times!
Bisch
Not having been through anything like that I don't have any words on how to overcome it. But others here seem to have suffered through things of their own and I hope their advice can provide some comfort.
In the meantime, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and hope that time will lessen the pain and allow you to find joy again.
I lost my brother in the middle of hunting season last year......it was a trying time. As difficult as it is you have to move forward, it takes time. Shooting and hunting/time in the woods will help heal some of it, but there will always be stuff in your head that will slow the healing. My thoughts are with you at this time :pray: Have faith!!
We are all conected through our archery and bowhunting here. After loosing my wife of 24 years, I found out we are not only connected through joy, but also through our collective pain. Since then I have decided to live on for the both of us. My days are full. Like others have said, bowhunting may not be able to treat our grief, but it did seem to deflect some of the negative aspect for me.
I have hunted solo on many extended trips over the years, but I did not hunt solo during the first few years after Paula's death. Hunting alone should help recharge my spirits, not be used as an escape from lifes pains. I knew too well the mental stress side of an extended solo hunt, and knew it was no place to be during my state of depression. Stay engaged with friends and family, just like you have done with this thread. Mike
More than enough advice. Awesome to see your priorities accurate. We do live in a truly broken/fallen world so things are "out-of-joint." Pain, depression, and grief is real. Your experience is not unusual. Have had our share and 3 years in to the most painful thing I have ever experienced (child issue). Give yourself plenty of grace and time. No surprise to God- He promises to sustain you.
Dan in KS. . . w prayers for you friend.
Been there done that-in a 2 year span, my father, my uncle, my son, a dear friend. I spent a lot of time on stand with tears falling from a very heavy heart-no bows being drawn.
Richard,
Looks like you have opened up a sounding board, maybe not so unorthodox after all right.
No one here knows exactly what you and your wife are going through, nor do we need to. That is both of your business. It sounds like something very life changing, and isn't that what life is about, dealing with the changes.
I am not going to get preachy on you but I do know that when you fall back on God and say "Here you go buddy, help me out because I am not handling this to well." you can let it go and start living your life again.
As far as getting back to shooting again and feeling that thrill of watching an arrow slice through the air.....you will no when you are ready.
Don't write things off, we aren't fortune tellers and a good thing we aren't. All things are possible......
Good Shooting,
Craig
Prayers sent for you and yours. Some insightful thoughts above to help you.
I am praying for you this morning.
As I walked back to my truck alone last Saturday evening, at the end of the hunt the loss of my Dad hit me as it often does at the end of the season.
He wasn't perfect, but neither am I. I miss him very, very much during October, November. He introduced me to bow hunting and I never feel more connected to him than when I am in the woods.
I sincerely hope it gets better for you,
Gary
Your 1, 2 and 3 are in perfect order Brother. Am praying for you and your family to have strength and to be able to find the good from your situation.
Saw this on FB and thought of you. Might be a comforting thought so I thought I would pass it along.
"Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love".
Vey well said, Bill. I have thought along those lines, but was not eloquent enough to communicate it.
The only reason I kept hunting, instead of giving up, when the hardest time of my life came was because those who cared strongly encouraged me not to give up the things I love to do. So, I kept going. Not much, or often but every once in a while. There was no fun in it, only a muscle memory. At the time, there was no fun in anything, though. Only by God's grace and my trust in Jesus is the reason I've seen light on the other side of that dark place.
Now, some years later, I still don't hunt like I once did but I look forward to it when I can. The blackpowder bug is starting to come back and the thought of making a bow or two sits in the back of my mind, as well. There is life but, as mentioned above, dealing with the causes of this trial is more important than time in the woods.
Another Vote for God. He can get you through anything, just lean on Him. Jesus Christ is a Personal Friend of mine, and I lay a LOT of my Troubles and Trials at the Foot of the Cross. He will Grant You HIS Peace, which really goes beyond our Human Understanding. He Saved me when I was in a Deep, DEEP Hole with some very Bad Thoughts because I could see No Light at the End of the Tunnel. Jesus showed me different.
I don't know what you are going through, but Prayer and God WILL get you through it! I will Pray for You and Yours, and God Bless You and Your Family Too!! :thumbsup: Chin Up My Friend!
The name "frassettor" provides me the image of your avatar.
That picture is from a few years back and I remember it well...you, on your knees with your deer, surrounded, immersed in the fallen leaves.
There are a few pictures here on Tradgang that always stand out, and stick with me. This is one of them.
I realize this has nothing to do with your post, except to say that everyone else has already said what I could have, and better than I could have.
You will be in my thoughts.
I hope your trail stops being all uphill soon.
You guys are awesome.
Richard,
While I don't know your circumstances, I know the feelings you're describing. A year ago my ex wife and I separated and we are now divorced. Hunting last year lost all of its joy for me. Even this year has been tough at times. I hope that you come out stronger from whatever you are experiencing.
Thank you all for the support. what has turned into a " "desperate reaching for anything" thread has turned into overwhelming support, thank you all, I'm forever in debt to you all
Richard, You and your Family are on my daily Prayer list. We'll keep'em coming. God Bless!
Denny
Richard,
I cant even begin to imaging the feelings you and your wife are going through. I cant offer up any sound advice but please know you and your loved ones are in my prayers.
I have never been "Religious"... More "Spiritual"
Being 1/2 Penobscot Indian, Myself & My son Tyler lean more toward "Traditional" beliefs... The woods, is my Church. Whether you're talking to God,Jesus,or the Great One, The Peacefulness & Quiet of the woods helps me think. You can say what you want,only "He" will hear you. Take your bow & arrows. You do not have to shoot unless you want to. But remember,you can't shoot if you don't have them! Sometimes you just need to "get away" to clear your mind & focus your thoughts, rather than stting around the house in a cloud of dispare.
I will send smoke to the Great One, asking him to send peaceful thoughts to you & your wife. Hopefully things will get better for you 2 soon...
Life does not stop, you can sit there and feel the world is down on ya but really it is just life and life don't stop. Just being through hard times myself and losing folks to what I have seen being a fireman for 17 yrs I see just how tangled we are with death it is all one thing, all a part of life. See. It and think about it a lot these days.
Prayers for you and your family, wish you the best on finding peace how ever you do it, I don't have good advice to help you there.
Gods guidance on us is a miraculous thing. I have had those that I look up to dearly leave before I and it gives me a heavy heart to think about it. I also work in a profession where I see terrible things every day that I wish no one would ever need to encounter.but I always find comfort in knowing god has a reason for everyone and everything.
Things look up but we all need away to escape. The outdoors is how I escape. For others its Church, family, counseling, or other hobbies. I can guarantee no matter what has overwhelmed your life god would still wish you enjoy your pleasures. And if that includes hunting then embrace it.