What is the dumbest, funniest or stupidest(sp) thing you have done in the woods and still saw or shot an animal that day?
Here is one of mine;
At very first light, I was making my way into the woods. I walked into a corner of the woods I have been in dozens of times without issue. There I am, like a polished predator sneaking into the woods. I am moving slowly and stealthily with my treestand on my back and bow in hand. Then, WHAM, I fall into a hole making a huge racket. What the #$@%? How did that hole get there?
A whole lot embarrassed and thanking God my bow was still in one piece, I humbly finished my "sneak" into my hunting spot and climbed a tree. The whole time I am figuring this hunt is over before it ever started....
I wasn't in my stand more than 1 minute when one of the biggest bucks I have ever seen makes his way right behind me! While he never offered a shot, he was at 10 yards forever.
Makes me wonder if he wasn't curious about the noise and the scraping of my stand against the tree as I climbed?
Anyway, that's one of my stories. I figured there isn't too much hunting going on and some campfire stories about mishaps might fill some time. Please feel free to post a funny one if you have it!
God bless,
Charlie
Well...I was sprinkling the ground from my tree stand and in walks a doe.
...shot with my pants down..lol :rolleyes:
thats a classic there!!!!lol
I had just got my hang on stand hung, up in it and my pole climbers off..I was soaked in sweat and it was early afternoon in Ga. I decided to take my long sleeve T shirt off and cool down.
I grabbed the bottom and pulled it up over and off my head, looked up and a big doe was standing right in front of my stand looking at me. My arms were still in the sleeves. So, I had no choice by to continue as I would normally do and took my shirt off. Hung it on the limb my recurve was hung on, picked up the bow, drew and shot the doe right behind the shoulder. She stood there and watched it all.
I really felt bad about it..thought she may have been somebody's pet or something.
I had to finish going number two and pull up my drawers once to shoot a cow elk. The following year I had some stomach problems and was going number two and had a 6x6 bull and two cows steering at me at 30 yards. I didn't get the shot that time but did think about marketing a new scent attractant to the hunting world. :)
:biglaugh:
One morning a few years ago I was hunting over a oak dropping acorns. Around 9:00am a coyote wandered into range. As luck would have it, I dropped it in its tracks right under the oak tree dropping acorns. After staring at it for about 15 minutes, I decided I better get down and move the coyote. So I proceded to get down, laid my bow at the foot of my tree and walked over to the coyote. I picked up the coyote by the tail and turned to walk back to the tree..... there were 2 bucks directly under my treestand, about 10 feet from my bow and me armed with a dead coyote. They looked at me, I looked at them, and they walked away.
I thought I heard one of them say to the other " hey, was that guy holding a dead coyote?" :laughing:
Moral to the story: Always have your bow with you in the woods!
Good ones! Keep 'em coming.
A year or two ago I was sitting in a new ground blind on a deer trail, in an area full of tall canary grass. It had been a long time since I'd seen deer in the area, and there wasn't much sign, but it is the only place I really have to hunt around here...
I got all settled, all was quiet, and my eyes and ears were peeled. I'm dressed in a couple layers of wool and such, all bundled up and cozy. Suddenly, the alarm on my insulin pump (I'm an insulin-dependent diabetic) starts blaring like I'm about to go into a coma or something. Real quick, I lay my bow down in front of me, fish through 2 pairs of pants and pull out the pump. I push all the right buttons and the alarm turns off. (All of this took about 45 seconds and made a bunch of noise.) Then I look up and there is a nice buck walking -- as if he were in a trance -- right in my shooting lane, not 10 yards from me. But it was no use... I had no chance to pick up my bow and shoot. I watched as he vanished into the 4-foot tall grass.
That was the closest thing to a shot opportunity I had all season.
I was sitting in a platform stand in the dark, waiting on daybreak. I noticed a big dark spot on the burlap I use to camo the stand. Didn't think much about it. Until day broke. I was sitting in a stand with at LEAST 100 red wasps. Luckily the cool weather made them sluggish. I sprayed a whole can of
OFF on them. Figured I was done with all that scent in the air. Ended up shooting a 4 point about a 1/2 hour later.
On day I was up in a tree for hours and didn't see any action. I decided to leave and loaded my gear into my vehicle. As luck would have it, it wouldn't start. I pushed the vehicle in an attempt to find someone to give me a jump start. As I was doing this, a doe was about ten feet away following me.
In the 80's when I first started bowhunting I worked 2 jobs and only had 1 night a week off so my buddy and I would leave at 4am Sunday backpack into our area and hunt through Monday afternoon. After a few weekends of this I was gassed out. I hunted in in the morning, found a favored spot and just plain crashed. I would wake up every so often, sit up and look around, shed a layer and doze off again. Finally after a good rest I woke up looked around, saw nothing of interest and proceeded to collect all my scattered gear with the plan to go find game. While I'm collecting gear and thoughts I look up and about 75yds away are 3 bucks and a doe. I couldn't believe they hadn't seen me and on they came. I had just enough time to get bow in hand and cover between us and move enough to have a chance at the best of the 3 dudes. it all came together and I shot my first ever buck with a bow!!!! Now, if I could just make one of those mountain naps work on a nice bull elk. I keep trying that same tactic but I guess I have yet to perfect the wapiti version.
I was sitting on a branch of an osage tree in Illinois a long long time ago. It was dark thirty am and I was waiting for any hint of light. All of a sudden a hedgeapple (wish I had known that at the moment) chose to fall from above, bounce off the branch I was sitting on, then fall to the ground and roll down the small hill side the tree was growing on. Needless to say, lights went on and all sorts of old stories of aliens, and one armed chainsaw killers were bouncing in my mind.. . Later, I had a nice broadside shot at a small buck. Light sure is a good thing.
ChuckC
Zradix that is too funny! :biglaugh:
Wixwood. I had that elk nap down a few years back. Just off a saddle, in the deep shade, sat on the slope with my feet on the trail. Bow across my knees and face planted on top. I woke nice and easy, looked to the right, and there was a really nice bull, standing in the sunlight MAYBE 20 yards away, looking like he was going to take the trail across the hill just below me.
Instead he turned a bit and came down MY trail, to about 7 yards away, when he decided to disaperate like Harry Potter.
ChuckC
I had one of those mornings running late with nothing in the cabinets but Poptarts. I hate Poptarts! I had a small buck walk through out of range and didn't get my bow up in time for another buck that walked under me. I sat down thinking the day was shot and opened that awful, noisey, shiney, dry pastery. At the same time a doe walked up the ridge and busted me blowing for a mile down the valley(Dang Poptart!). I thought all was lost til a brute of an 8 point crested the ridge looking for love and ended up with cupids Zwickey in the heart.
Rob
I work nights. I got off work at 0500 and hit up an island on the Missouri rivers wher know some good fox squirrel spots. I hunted all day and barely saw no squirrels. Tired and annoyed I headed out around 0930. Bumbling down the trail right by the exit I jumped a fox squirrel which ran up a thick hickory. I backed off 20 yards and sat to wait and promptly fell right to sleep. I came to 30 minutes later because that same squirrel was vbarking his head off at me right at the base of that big old hickory. Lol! Saw me come too and ran off. Would have been a perfect shot too. Ohh well.
Had a tree stand up in the same tree for 3 years. Knew those woods like the back of my hand. Opening morning finds me hitting the woods in the dark. I could not for the life of me find that tree! I wandered around making all kinds of noise including a few choice, descriptive words about my woodsmanship, wondering why I didn't take up golf instead...ended up sitting down till it was light enough to see. My stand tree was about 40 yds from where I was sitting! Climbed up and took a doe about an hour later.
I hit the woods about an hour before daylight, walked a dim trail I had marked toward a ridge I planned to hunt. I had to make a pit stop so I put my bow and tree stand down in the trail and walked a few feet into the bushes to take care of business. I went back to pick up my stand and couldn't find it in the dark, how could I loose it, I only walked a few feet away from it.
I zigged and zaged, walked grids,circles, you name it but couldn't find my bow and stand. Just about daylight I stumbled across my gear, I had to have walked by it several times in the dark.
I got to my ridge late but still had a doe come in at 15 yards. I got a case of buck fever and completely blew the shot. The doe was either the first or second deer I shot at after I started bow hunting. I tended to come unglued when a shot opportunity presented its self in my early bow hunting years.
Several yrs. ago I had a doe feeding at 20 yds. In the process of knocking an arrow I sliced my string in half, my spare was a mile away in the truck.
nuts..
I was about 14 on my very first hunting outing by myself. I had built a platform tree stand out of whatever scrap lumber I could find. And my Darton Ranger and I were off to be the next great bow hunter! Someone told me that you could smash up some persimmons to be a cover scent so I grabbed a pocketful from the yard on my way out. I get to my stand and proceed to smash my persimmons and wait. Too bad nobody told me that you were supposed to smash the persimmons on the GROUND! It is amazing how slick perssimons are between rubber boots and wet plywood! It was like a 2 foot square ice rink!
No doubt the time I tried to crawl under an electric fence with a stand on my back ZAP!!! Glad no one was around to hear the very girlish high pitched yell that was shocked out of me.
:scared:
I stepped OVER an electric fence that was supposed to be off. It was on and I, too let out a girlish scream! You can guess where it shocked me LOL! I had some heavy wool pants on so it could have been much worse.
Woulda been a bad day to wear your kilt!!!
In 1989 on my very first outing in the jungles of Guam I was quietly walking looking for some pigs, stumbled upon a very big sow, must have almost stepped on her and she put me up a tree, bow on the ground and it was a palm tree, I hugged that tree for about 30 minutes when she finally left, slid down grabbed the bow just in time as she came running back in popping her jaws, she got a Hunters Head through the heart from the front and dropped at my feet. Only time I have ever been charged by a wild pig.
On a hunt in Texas several years ago I was stalking a couple of nice corsacan rams, ran out of cover about 30 yards from them, crouched down behind a cedar tree trying to plan the rest of my stalk. A Sika doe jumped up from under the cedar and barked in my face,guess I woke her from her nap, fell over backwards and probably screamed like a girl, needless to say after I gathered my wits the rams and the doe were long gone.
A few years ago I had a long walk into a great spot and the only way to it was through a lot of brush. By the time I got there with my climbing stand I was soaking wet. Got up in the tree and pulled my bow up and guess what? I forgot my arrows. I carry them in a quiver not attached to my bow. Down I came and hoofed it back to car and hurried back to stand. By the time I got settled in it was like I had been caught in a downpour with sweat.
Lo and behold in 1/2 hour here came a doe with a really nice 10 pt. in tow. I made a great shot and he only went about 75 yards. Hunting is always an adventure.
A few years ago my son and i where hunting one morning, we decided to check out a new location, my son stayed in the truck. I walked out into a hammock, I saw this doe first and the huge buck that was chasing her came next, guess where my Bow was, it was with my son in the truck. :knothead:
Good stories! Keep them coming.
Could not find my tree stand one dark morning, could hear deer chasing each other but could not see them due to darkness. Waited til light and found that I was at the right tree, but someone had taken my stand. Well after some real disappointment in my fellow man, I decided to not let him ruin my morning. My stand was near a scrape, so I watched the scrape and was enjoying the hunt. In walks a buck and he's pawing the dirt. There was so much brush I could only see his shoulder. That helped pick the spot. My arrow was true and I had my first trad. Buck and from ground. Felt real happy I didn't go home that morning and pout about the stolen stand. The breaks good and bad even out if you stay in the game.
I was 13 and hunting by myself for the first time.
My Mom dropped me off in the woods well before light. I strapped a seat to a small aspen tree out in the open. My father was scheduled to pick me up at 11:00. It was late october and kind of cold.
At 10:00 I decided I was bored and made every noise imaginable in the grunt tube. I sounded like a bugling elk, dying cow and a choking pig. I grunted jingle bells and every song I could think of.
This went on for who knows how long, must have been minutes. Until the grunt tube stoppd working.
I looked up and saw the largest set of antlers crashing toward me.
The buck stopped broadside at 10 yards looking the other way. I tried 3 times to pull back my bow but I was shaking so violently it was useless.
Here is a 200+ lb Wisconsin Brute standing as tall as I was at eye level looking for a fight merely 10 yards away and I couldnt pull back my bow.
eventually he looked at me and the jig was up as quickly as it started. I was still shaking when I went to bed that night.
That is one experience burned in my memory forever.
FYI. Jingle bells through the grunt tube has not worked since.
Great Thread!
Early September, about 10 years ago, very early morning. I was climbing up a wooden ladder treestand with a head lamp on, I noticed alot of what I thought were dead bees on the rungs. I get to the second top rung and noticed a picture perfect basked ball hanging from the bottom of the stand. For a split second I thought, "What the Hellll is this???" That is when it me, literally hit me - a massive bee hive. I must have got stung no less than 15 times...
Fired off three arrows at a turkey that was hypnotized by my Jake decoy. He had no idea what was happening, that is until the third one. Then things started going "black" for him.
I was hunting bear in Ontario in 2007. After driving as far as I could in the truck, I jumped on the back of the owner/guide's 4 wheeler for the last 1/4 mile+ trek to the stand.
In Ontario, you have to keep your bow in a case on the way in and out from the stand. So, with all my gear in hand or so I thought, I started to situate everything while he baited the crib.
I climbed down just as he was finishing up... he asked if everything was alright and I replied that I would be riding with him back to the truck.
He looked at me and said "you forgot your arrows, didn't you".
He was right!
i was hunting a couple years ago out at my grandmas farm on small river bottom that i know very well and took my first buck there even. well i was sitting at the base of a locust tree watching the trail that eased it way along the creek that i knew deer used every morning. about 2 hours after sitting down i heard something making its way down the creek. for about 30 min i listened and watched but saw nothing on the trail but heard it getting closer and closer. after a few minutes i decided to turn around...lo and behold i was staring eye to eye at beautiful 6 point buck and two does...turns out that scent killer works and bucks like to sniff the unsuspecting hunter... :knothead:
Two years ago, first morning of an elk hunt, we worked a couple of bulls first thing in the morning and sat down to eat a little breakfast mid-morning. My partner was 10 yards in front of me chomping on jerky when a small bull materialized 10 yards in front of him. I would freak out waving my arms every time the bull dropped his head (ever seen 3 amigos, up here, up here, same deal). I finally got my friends attention and he got busted trying to draw. A few days later on the same hunt, stopped for breakfast again. When I finished eating I let out a small bugle. Shortly afterwards I heard footsteps and a bull came trotting down the mountain behind me. He stopped, relieved himself at very close range and started to continue on by. I spun 180 degrees crunching wrappers as I pivoted and shot him with a sucker hanging out of my mouth. I don't usually eat breakfast, but thank god for hunting buddies that are obsessive about it....after these experiences I am now reconsidering my stance on eating breakfast.
Last year I set a goal for myself to take my deer with nothing between me and the deer, but air.
Lofty goal for sure but very tough to accomplish I can assure you.
I got to the woods for an evening hunt. I was backed up to a large head high dead stump totally ready for whatever was to come.
I couldn't have been there more than 30 minutes when I had 3 does in front of me at under 15 steps.
Once I had finally gotten my heart rate under some kind of control, now I needed to just wait for the "perfect timing" to make the shot.
The "perfect time" comes when it comes, you can't push it. I had that refrain running through my mind as I continue to watch.
Finally, everyone is in position and all with their heads down sucking up acorns and slightly quartering away. I slowly raise my bow and just as I start to put pressure on my string... my bow arm gets hit with hot wet deer breath.
The doe I never saw that was standing at my left shoulder had just blown the alarm "on me"(literally) along with her spit and snot...lol
I'm not sure who jumped higher, the does in front of me.... or me...lol
I started to laugh out loud almost immediately at the thought that I had just had a deer count coupe on me.
Man!...What a rush!
I had a few more close calls last season but tags for tag soup and a lot of wonderful memories is all I took home with me.
I really look forward to getting back on track for attempting to complete my goal this coming season which is just a little over a month away from being here.
God bless,Mudd
Mudd,
Were you in a ghillie?
Huh,
I thought everyone knew that the best way to see what you are hunting is to be eating or going to the bathroom!
One morning I was headed out to the woods and realized mother nature was calling. It was somewhat dark still when I leaned my zebrawood longbow against a bush. I proceeded to do what was necessary and then headed toward my stand. When I got there, I realized I may as well been out for a hike because I didn't have my bow in hand. Even after looking for 30 minutes I couldn't find it! Slightly panicked, I retraced most of my walk-in trail and eventually came across it. I never did see a deer that morning, but some of these stories reminded me of it.
-Charlie
Late one afternoon a group mallard ducks flew over tree top high...and a few were doing the feed call.Me being a duck hunter,I could'nt resist doing a few feed call chuckles with my grunt tube.Almost immediately a small buck came in running @ 5 yards looking for action.In the last 15 years or so,I have killed one buck and had several bucks respond to this method of calling.
Four years ago i was quietly still hunting out of a huge cut block after calling moose for the afternoon. I had about 15 minutes of light left when i fell a%% over tea-kettle on a dry slash pile.
After 10 seconds of flailing about and making some serious noise, i stood, bowed to all of the little forest critters who i assumed had watched the performance and took a step when a bull grunted just out of sight sixty yards to the north of me.
I spent the next ten to 15 minutes trying to work into a shot, but ran out of light.
The worst part was him paralleling me in the dark as i headed out. He did this for about 100 yards smashing saplings and grunting every time he heard me take a step as i left. At one point he actually charged in on me to about fifteen yards.
All i could see in my headlamp was paddles and alders moving.
I guess he heard my smashing and thrashing and figured i was a bull looking for a fight, and was more than willing to provide it.
I was "guiding" a friend up in the mountains of west central Colorado. We scouted the day before and found that a herd (elk)was using a certain trail over a pass between two peaks ( I knew of this place from past experiences).
We got up there early the next morning and sat on the downstream side of the pass to wait for light and eat a breakfast (elk being upstream) and down a bit so scent would go away from the playing field.
I bit into my energy bar and asked what she was eating. . "blueberry poptarts" she replied. I casually said bears like blueberries and went on eating. She made a face at me.
A while later, we hear sounds. . . approaching herd. She got a lesson in hunting the wind, as she crept over the top of the pass and the elk ran. I then positioned her on the trail that circled the rim of the pass and suggested she sit for a while while I stalked the high ground above.
I kept track of her from above every lil bit with my binoculars. On one of those peeks, I saw a pretty good sized black form and sat down to watch as a nice black bear used the trail and walked nearly right to her. She had a gun with her and knows how to use it, I wasn't worried (about her at least).
The bear got close, then started acting shy, as bear hunters have seen, then he turned around and left.
When I got down there later and asked about it. She told me this story of seeing this cool black bear. . "he came down over there, walked and sniffed around, then he followed the trail almost to me, until I started stomping my feet".
I asked what was going thru her mind as the bear was getting closer and she blurted out " ******ing blueberries".
ChuckC
I made my first trad hunts 2 years ago. I carried my climber in and set up just off an area I knew the deer were feeding in. I climbed to about 17-18 ft, got settled and started pulling my bow up. That's when I realized I had never tied it on. It was early season and very hot, so I really didn't want to climb down and back up. I then noticed a small limb to my right with a perfect fork. I cut it making a hook and was able to grab my bow and pull it up. I got my first trad shot at a deer just before dark and shot right over her back at 10 yds.
2 weeks later I hunted a different area and did the exact same thing except I didn't even have my pull rope this time. I finally managed to get my bow up after fashioning a pull rope out of my lifeline and climber strap with a metal clasp on the end. A couple hours later a doe and two fawns came through. Shot her quartered away at 24 yards.
QuoteOriginally posted by ChuckC:
I asked what was going thru her mind as the bear was getting closer and she blurted out " ******ing blueberries".
ChuckC
:biglaugh:
buckeye_hunter: No ghillie just muted color top and blue jeans.
God bless,Mudd
This was last year before I decided to go to the trad side so I had my compound.
I had been out that morning and got a 6 pt buck. Nice deer but nothing to get my picture in bowhunter mag...lol
Anyway, this was the evening hunt and I didn't get my nap back at camp so I fell asleep in my tree stand. About 30 minutes before sunset I felt my whole ladder stand shaking and woke up. Down at the bottom was a BIG ole boar rubbing on the legs. I grab my bow and it is impossible to get a draw on it from that angle so I am moving around on my stand and I knock my bottle of gator aid out of it's holder. It falls the 16 ft and hits that rascal right on the noggin. Needless to say the thing took off like a bat out of you know where and here I was standing there with a stupid look on my face.
As expected I am not very proud of one. Since then I ALWAYS have a afternoon cup of coffee
A few years ago I shot a turkey while deer hunting. Well that thing flopped around for 3-4 minutes and finally layed still so I assumed it was dead. I decided to just stay in my stand and wait for some deer. About 30 minutes later that stupid turkey gets up and starts flopping and flying in about a 15 yard circle. I get down out of my tree stand and started chasing this thing around until I finally got my hands on him and finished him off with my hunting knife. I went back up into my tree stand to get my gear and bow and realized there was a couple does starring at me from about 25 yards away. I never got a shot at them but I wonder what they were thinking when they were watching me running around behind a flailing/partially decapitated turkey with my knife in hand.
more. . . we need more !
ChuckC
My first season bowhunting I hadn't seen but 2 deer. Snow was laying on the ground so I was excited to try to figure out where the deer were traveling using tracks. By the time I got to the woodlot, it had begun to rain. I decided (STOOPIDLY!) to leave my bow in the truck and just scout. I have not a clue why. Anyway, after an hour of walking around the woodlot I came over a rise. Two doe walked right at me up the trail. I could have smacked the first one in the face with an arrow she got that close. It was like I was a ghost. I finally scared them off when I decided to walk again.
Didn't see another deer ever in that woodlot.
Years back before headnets were available I decided my face was giving me away so I had a brainstorm . I had a wool pullover facemask with eye holes that would solve my problem . Early season here is hot and after a few hours in the stand things became unbearable . I rolled the mask up to cool off when a nice buck comes into a scrape not 15 yards away . I should have shot him there and then but something told me to pull down my mask , which I did and had my nose and one ear in the eyeholes ! By the time I got situated the buck was long gone .
well at least you could still hear and smell him as he ran away!
I have a ton, one of the best happened around 1997. I had bumped a ton of deer on my way to my stand and after sitting for 2 hrs.. decided I would call it quits way to early. Still had 2 hrs. of day light left. I lowered my bow down and dropped the rope as well. I get to the first step and I look up and there is a buck on the ridge opposite me. 50 yards away and coming fast, I decided I had nothing to loose and get down quick, like a fool I decided to go two more steps and jump the last ten ft. I hit the ground and rolled my ankle terrible bad. I look up deer runs off, no kidding you fool I said as I layed there in tears. I now have an ankle that even thru my boot has swelled too 3 times its normal size. I decide to hop out to the field edge and just sit and wait for my Dad to pick me up.(No Cell Phone yet, not for me anyway). I get up and sit under a big oak and get comfy, I fall sound asleep. About 15 minutes before dark I wake to a loud snort I look up and eating acorns not 15 ft away is the same buck I buggared earlier. He looked at me and turned to leave. I grabbed my bow knocked an arrow and shot as he was quartering away at about 15 yards. He only went 50 yards and piled up. Just dumb luck, my ankle ended up being a terrible sprain and I was in a cast for 6 weeks. It turned out to be a blessing as I killed 5 more deer from the ground that year. Shawn
Shot a buck one time with my tallywhacker still out. Had to cut it off mid stream. Someone mentioned above about bucks coming in while you are still climbing or just got to the height you were going. i have had it happen at least half a dozen times over the years, and I am fairly positive that it is the noise of climbing that brings them in.
you cut your tallywhaker off? That was a mistake!
:knothead:
sorry couldn't resist..lol
I need more luck like Shawn's! I have seen ton's of deer from the ground, but haven't killed any.
In other news.....
"you cut your tallywhaker off?" :biglaugh:
Its not the treestand sound its the peeing sound! I swear I've "peed in" a several deer! You have to have dead calm morning and real crunchy leaves. Pee from about 25' up. It works!
I know one thing, I'll never do the pee in a bottle thing I used to do.
Tedd
I was hunting just inside the wood line from a pasture... killed the my biggest deer after two different rounds of cows and horse's walked and hung out at the bottom of my stand.
"armed with a dead coyote" :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
Funny stuff! :biglaugh:
One of the first times I used the older style summit stands that have a hand climber, I found this great spot to hunt and set my stand up the day before. The next morning I walked in to my stand before first light, and climbed up. When the sun came up, I saw that I was barely 6 feet off the ground. I swear I climbed at least 20 feet in that thing.
I don't know about dumbest, but my most embarrassing moment came on a black bear/moose hunt near St. James Bay in Southeast Alaska. On day 3, after having dehydrated myself over the last couple of days, my plumbing was seriously backed up. I figured I'd just eat a huge breakfast (lots of greasy bacon and eggs), drink a lot of water and black coffee, go hunt and things would work themselves out, if you know what I mean.
So, fast forward an hour or so. I had already made it about 1 mile up the river I was hunting. I should mention that I was wearing chest waders, as I had to cross the river at least a dozen times. At any rate, I was nearing a spot where I had seen a large blackie the day before, when I felt some serious rumbling in my gut. Uh oh. The time was nigh. Hallelujah! I dashed over to an old downed spruce, threw my pack and bow on the ground and undid my waders. I really needed to take them off completely, but there was no time. I'd just have to hold the top and suspenders out of the way and hope for the best.
After nearly blacking out initially, my business went surprisingly well, not nearly as violent as I was expecting. I was quite satisfied, if I do say so. I sure felt a lot lighter, like a heavy load was lifted off my mind. I was a new man. I digress, though. Back to the task at hand, for as they say, the real work begins when the game is on the ground.
When I dropped my pack, it toppled over away from me and was just out of reach. I really didn't want to move. If I stood all the way up, I risked having a wayward strap come in contact with something that probably wouldn't wash off, not without some industrial strength cleaning agent. So I used a little stick to fish a strap toward me. Closer, closer, almost within reach...Of course, right about then I started to get a serious cramp in my hip flexor. I was going to have to stand up.
With the top of my waders pulled as far in front of me as I could get them, I stood. The cramp subsided, and I took a breath to collect myself and survey the situation. Standing, while easing my cramping hip, had, unfortunately, caused quite a, how should I say this delicately, quite a mess. This wasn't going to be a typical, 4 sheeter. I might just need a whole roll, so, where was that roll?
Keeping mind not to dangle in the doo, I waddled over to my pack, zipped open my toiletries pocket and retrieved... nothing. It wasn't there. Uh oh, is right. I just knew I packed some TP. I rummaged around in my pack for something else suitable.
Some gauze wrap? No, too porous. My extra pair of wool socks? No, I'd rather not. My spare t-shirt? No. A space blanket? No, I'd just smear myself even worse. My Micro Fiber Miracle Towel? Perfect. It then dawned on me that I had a better solution right beside me. A nice, cool creek. Well, it was more of a raging river, but what the heck. It would definitely get me cleaner and I wouldn't have to bury something, or tote around something foul for the rest of the day.
So, I took off my waders and pants and stood at the edge. Man, did that water look cold. I dipped a toe. Man, that water WAS cold. Way too cold to stand in for long. I needed a good rock to stand on. A good, flat rock. I found just what I was looking for and assumed the position. Hoping a few quick splashes would be sufficient, I held my breath, and hovering as close to the water as possible, began. HOLY MOLY! What a shock to my system! I bolted upright. Screw that! I'll use the towel. As I took a step of my perch, the rock I was stepping on to, rolled, and with it went any hope of my staying dry for the day. I fell, rearend first, into the frigid water. It took my breath, it was so cold. I floundered around like, well, a flounder, or halibut, I guess I should say, for a few moments and, gathering my footing, scrambled onto the bank. I had to lay there for a second.
Whew! Not what I had planned for that day. At least I was clean now, or clean enough. No way was I going back in that water. As a side note, we all know about shrinkage, but let me tell you, there is a condition that I now refer to as "full retreat". It's not pleasant. Anyhoo, my day's hunt was over at that point. A nice fire and a few cups of hot tea warmed me up quite nicely.
A few hours later, back at base camp, my hunting partner walked up.
"So, how'd your day go?" he asked.
"Well..." I still havent' answered him.
Looper, That is about the funniest thing that I've read in a long time - shades of Pat McManus!!!