A bit of background for this mini-saga, not for sympathy, but to set the stage for my quandary and questions to my brothers/sisters of the bow: Been a tough year. Dad's my last living family member and at 88, had a mini-stroke in March. Looked like he was coming "back" from it and then he spiraled down and is now in a nursing home. Congestive heart failure looms, fluid builds up, incontinence follows due to the water pills...you get the picture. I have to close his apartment at the retirement village where he's now in nursing home...work and travel back and forth takes 55 hrs of the week, I get home late, wolf food and visit Dad daily...so I'm plumb wore out emotionally and physically. But that is no biggie... hunting is coming. Time to rejuvenate!
I ended up with some malaise a few weeks back. Doc now has me on a 2nd round of new antibiotics that are kicking my butt! Almost feel worse from them than the sinus infection or whatever... I make a decision to hunt the ground... just don't have the energy to put up a stand and take down each day... I have to travel 3 hrs to where I hunt and stay with friends. I made a home-made ghillie string suit last winter and want to try it out anyway...so I stay out of the trees this year. Never had any luck on the ground before, but read all these neat stories on "Gang" so I'm psyched to try... The heavy winds in the area predicted for all day helped make the choice to stay out of trees!
Found a ground set up 2 weeks ago during our opener near where I had luck last year. I only saw 3 deer and they busted me coming in through open hemlocks. I moved and that was it. I left the woods early due to a call from the nursing home in case I had to make a wild run home, but Dad stabilized and I continued my visit, but the hunt was over.
This week, I return. I see 2 deer on the logging road early AM but some distance off... I feel "exposed" without anything to break up my outline, so I quietly move some blow downs around me, add some dead oak tops and a few hemlock boughs...that's better! I can see around, but I have some cover to break up my visage front and back and to one side... ok.
I have a "bambi McNugget come in about 9am... I move my foot and she hears it scrape a root and nails me at 12 yards... I freeze and avoid eye contact... she relaxes and I had a shot broadside, but I'm not shooting a fawn of the year... I convince myself its ok cause' there is as much work to a tiny fawn as a big deer that will feed me all winter...so I pass. I draw on it undetected. This ghillie stuff might be ok... but it's a dumb fawn!
Mid-day I rendezvous with a friend for a short visit, cat nap and lunch...and more danged meds! Back into the woods and sneak about scouting and still hunting and end back at the blind. From another angle, I see I need a bit more "cover" and add to it and settle in.
About 5:00 my butt is numb from the Nifty Seat. Love that li'l thing...for an hour or so...then hate it. Promise myself I'll stand at 5:30...I didn't. I start to feel the recurring nausea that follows taking meds ... I'm sick and tired of feeling tired and sick! But it's a beautiful day, even with the wind... and I'm just content to be there... but I stayed sitting.
...and then I see deer moving toward me from the front quickly... the lead deer is a doe as are the 3 fawns following.
Greed, stupidity, or what? I assess the deer moving toward me quickly and feel she's still pretty small...probably last year's fawn...but I don't often encounter deer on the ground at close range...so my perspective is off compared to sizing deer from my normal tree stand view.
I hesitate...keep looking back at the other 3. The lead doe is angling up hill to my left...good shot for a right hander...but I just don't commit. I just watch...she stops at under 20 yards.. (probably an honest 15) and is perfect slight quartering away... onside front leg opens up, but the switch in my brain doesn't trigger... I have the bow up...but the string doesn't come back.
She jumps a small blowdown... and moves through several other shooting lanes... and now is upwind.... And doesn't make me...that highly arguable "scent blocker" clothing might do something as the wind is strong directly to her...
I turn and she catches movement and hits full stare mode. I avoid eye contact and she gets hinky and bolts 10 yrds back down the way she came. Stops and relaxes and there is a small window. I hit full draw, but the window is small and I'm tired and stiff...I decide if I didn't take the peep shot in full view before I wasn't taking a marginal one now... we again do the stare down as I ease down my draw. She never really bolts but moves back toward the fawns and back the way they came, kids in tow.
I sit there wondering what the heck just happened. I had a beautiful shot at 15+ yards...perfect alignment, open lane... and I couldn't/didn't commit?? Why???
Greed? Did I want a bigger animal to justify the work? Soft headed? Too sick and nauseas to make the effort seem worthwhile, knowing what follows of tracking, gutting, dragging and then processing at my guest quarters till I head home Sunday and drop off at a friend's walk in cooler to age?
I just sat there befuddled and bewildered. I was stoked and grinning to have had a close encounter. My ghillie suit seems to have worked better than I'd ever expected... I got away with some movement and wasn't picked off...even though visible...
ALL I could think of was that it was neat to have had that experience but in an hour, I could just pick up my gear and walk out, go back to where I was staying and have a hot meal and not have to do all the work. The thought of the effort involved in the killing of an animal seemed more than I wanted to embrace.
Why am I putting myself through the hard work to get there, get up early, sit long painful hours and endure back pain and numb butt to then pass a shot?
I recall years past when there was a lot of stress, I seemed to 'loose' that 'killer instinct' until things improved. This year, all the sadness, all the pain of watching my father decline weekly feels to be in perspective and managed... closing the apartment is an overwhelming task that makes me wonder if I should be home Saturdays doing that instead of going hunting, but everyone tells me to "take care of the caretaker" and this is MY TIME! Archery season!!! It is what drives me all year!! And yet, something is missing...the drive...the passion...I can't quite figure it. It is almost as though I am now more of an "observer than a participant." I don't fully understand and feel bewildered...but not terribly upset.
With so much work to be done at home, I'm questioning my motives to even be out there if I'm not going to "make meat" and capitalize on opportunities given to me by my Creator? I love venison and I love processing and butchering deer.
What has or is happening?
Anyone else experience the ebb and flow of the killer instinct when things are in turmoil in their personal lives?
It isn't about the kill. It is about being out there and seeing it all unfold.
a passed up shot is nothing but being confident in your ability and the future days spent afield.
Best wishes to you and your situations.
Doc. I can relate somewhat. We are having some family challenges that wear me down mentally which oftentimes spills over physically. There are times where I just don't feel like huting or fishing, which have been my passions my whole life. It seems I want to go, but the effort doesn't seem worth it especially when there are things needing taken care of. Then I miss it terribly, or question why I didn't go or try harder etc. I think it may be a form of depression that just throws us out of sync. I am trying to make myself go so I don't regret it later. I will pray for your situation and that things get easier for you. I know it is difficult.
Doc-
I felt the same after we lost Mom to breast cancer. I did not go out the season she died. The next year I went out and just sat. I too had no energy for a long time. Got sick more that year than any other. I feel the woods brought me back. My husband encouraged me to just go sit with my bow. I had many animals pass by me that year with no shot taken. Then one day, a buck came in. The instinct took back over and I put an arrow in him. Things turned for me that day.
I just hope you can sit back and enjoy nature. Remeber that nature is God's way of telling us that we are never alone. He is always with us!
Katie
My wife and I went through a nasty bout of breast cancer two months after our wedding day, that was 2 years, 14 days ago. I dont think I could have stayed sane without my beloved outdoors. My killer instinct and excitement wasnt there as you expressed, but I still went and enjoyed minus the catching and killing. Do what keeps you happy and on course, game in the freezer or not. Hang in there and thumbs up to you and your father!
Jamie,
I've seen that penned many times..."not about the kill" and respect the concept. Truth is that I basically LIVE on vension for red meat or limited store bought... but I can't shake the reality that the only reason I'm there with a weapon is to KILL. Otherwise, I'd go to the same effort with a camera. And other times of the year, I WILL go to that effort to just observe....but "why now?"
Thomas,
I've been at that point you describe as well...but this feels different. I THOUGHT I was prefectly in tune, but as the day wore on and my body started to wane...and the side-effects increased, I just seemed to become an "observer".
I passed on one Saturday too. It is too warm right now and season is just starting. It's not prime time yet. If it had been a monster buck, well, that would have been a different story.
It's not unusual for me to pass on one, especially this early in the season. I also think about the work involved. Sometimes I just feel lazy, I guess. I still enjoy the time in the woods. I could have spit on a button buck that walked under my stand Saturday. Too cool! I think I enjoyed it even more because I knew I wasn't going to shoot. I could just be an observer.
Relax and enjoy, Doc. You are not alone! :campfire:
I have had some of the experiences as you. For me, they passed with time. I think it is a slight depression, but who knows. I will pray for you. The Good Lord has no boundries or limitations. He is the Great Physician and our Helper.
God Bless,
Nathan
Doc, you think too much. I know this because I'm right there with you.
Try to quiet your mind and just breathe or meditate. The venison will come when it's time. But you need rest and fewer demands on yourself. Use that time in the woods to reclaim that respite. It is not selfish to make time for yourself, it is a matter of LIFE AND DEATH - YOURS.
Take care bud and see you soon.
Not many I'd trust could handle it like you. I'm in your corner prayers included.
A quote from Mr Bear.
"A downed animal is most certainly the object of a hunting trip, but it becomes an anticlimax when compared to the many other pleasures of the hunt. "
I think you may enjoy it
Sounds like you have been through a lot and need some time to get back into it.Maybe you are evolving in a new direction that will bring better days in the woods?
Prayers sent for You and your Dad. It sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate and we each deal with times like this differently, in our own way. I am taking care of my 92 year old father, keeping him out of a nursing home, and know the stresses it places on me. These stresses combined with your fighting whatever (taking med's) surely has you off balance. "Time heals all wounds", just give it time and you'll be back in balance. God Bless..
Maybe you've decided in the back of your mind that life, any life, is more precious to you.
Killing is often tinged with sadness, maybe your sad meter is full.
Just roll with it. Went through the same thing 3 yrs ago with my mother and lung cancer. I would drive home to Ohio every other weekend and stay 4 days. I would hunt in the am and spend the afternoon at the hospice. Passed on several smaller deer saying to myself that I was waiting for a more mature animal to justify maybe missing or being late for my afternoon visit. Never got a shot but I think that the time in the woods alone, semi-focused on the hunt, doing something I enjoyed, helped me deal with everything else. I guess the routine helped make things feel more "normal". Mom passed the end of Oct but it was Dec till I let myself connect with a small buck. I hope that it all works out for you.......and as a side note, has your DR test you for Lyme?
QuoteOriginally posted by Mr.Magoo:
Killing is often tinged with sadness, maybe your sad meter is full.
Lots of good words from many and some touching PM's as well...but that statement right there kinda brought a tear... I think you hit something close to a nerve there Mr. Magoo!
John,
Yes, many times. They claim between allergies galore and arthritis, it's not Lyme. This just came on me and been a history of sinus infection which was the doc's assessment 3 weeks ago...just whatever meds he tried, didn't do squat so now the "heavy hitters" (sorry for the pun) :) came on board! Ugh!
I find solace in all the writings so thank you all! John's comment about AM hunts hit home too...I'm good to go and got the verve till mid afternoon...then as the day dwindles, so does my verve and my desire to pursue...
Still like the "sad meter"... sure seems to tug at my heart so that has to have some merit!
Mr. Magoo said a mouthful there!
I have sometimes felt a waning of the urge, and I think it was due to depression, and dealing with so much death in my family. Sad meter, indeed!
I went though a period of sinus infections, too, with lots of rounds of antibiotics that never seemed to get the job done. I hope you are on the last needed treatment, and your health will rebound. The stress of dealing with your father's final years has taken its toll on you as well, and your immune system is weakened. This, too, will resolve, as God works His ways.
BTW, my problem was not so much the infections, the root of it was reflux. The irritation set up the infections, and until I got rid of the cause, the resultant problems would never quit. Just a thought.
Killdeer
Doc,
I can totally relate to life's stress putting a damper on your hunting enjoyment. There's nothing wrong with passing on shots that don't feel right. If you're not focused and things turn out poorly, that's just one more thing you'll end up beating yourself up over. Been there, done that, own the T-shirt franchise! Magoo makes an excellent point. Sometimes I just know that my frame of mind is not where it needs to be in order to justify taking a life. I'll often pass up my next shot on a deer if I've recently wounded and failed to recover one. Waste a life, give one back. Sometimes it's the best excuse for penance we flawed human beings can come up with on short notice. Trust your instincts. You've been so faithful in supporting others here with words of inspiration, I'll see if I can put in a word or two on your behalf that the Good Lord lighten your load a bit. As you're so correct in saying..."keep your eyes on the Son!"
Doc, the small ones fit in the freezer better, I'll bet if you shoot what God presents to you it will make you feel better.
Whatever decision a good person like you has taken is the right one.You'll see better days and you'll be ready.God bless you.
Hey Doc - I've been in the place you are many times. Life is tough and it just seems to get all the tougher instead of easier so when I am carrying a heavy burden - be it personal issues, family issues, work loads, whatever - I sometimes lose the joy of the hunt or other times, the fine-tuned predator instinct. I question myself, my motives, my priorities, all that. Usually what heals me is time - time to just be. Time to sit and think, to pray, to listen for that still small voice of my Father. And I usually find that time in the woods. So while I heal - I have learned to be content and just "be" - whatever that is. I notice that when I try to fit hunting into my busy schedule I feel that way to varying degrees. But when I can carve out a couple days or a week just to be a hunter - its completely different. That's why my hunting vacations are so precious to me these days because I know healing is coming.
So Doc - maybe you can't get to that better place today or this week or even anytime soon but know that a new season is coming. Know that Jesus will carry you through. Know that you will come home soon enough when things will be right and you will be ready to harvest again.
Until then - keep the broadheads sharp!
I lost my Dad on April 14th 1996 and ever since then I have not felt the same way about bow hunting in fact I stopped for 6 years but missed the feeling of getting every thing ready you know making arrows, practicing, sharpening broadheads... And though I take all that very serious I still can't find that feeling I once had and the last deer I shot was on November 14th 1995 and maybe I want that to be my last deer since my dad was with me to track it. In two weeks I am going with my brother to North Dakota and I am looking forward to the adventure with him but deep down inside I know I will be coming back with a unused tag and that's just fine for me. I guess what I'm just trying to say is if you don't kill something it's still OK some times the hunt without the last step will still make you feel fulfilled.
I lost my dad at 87, that was in 2006. He was in a nursing home, and went peacefully one night. It is part of life we cannot change.
However, we can change things we have some control over, and if you feel like your loosing something from hunting, your probably ready to make a change. You might think about still hunting for awhile, without the Gillie suit. Walk like a man, think like one, even smell like one. Challenge yourself, hunt for the experience, for the enjoyment, be selective and if the season is near the end, and you still feel compelled to put meat in the freezer, then hunt from a blind or stand, or put the Gillie suit back on and take the first legal deer that comes along.
As for allergies and sinus problems, I have been through it and sympathize with the way your feeling. It is no fun, to feel lousy all the time. In my case, medications did not work, and using antibotics because the doc says, here try this one, is certainly no prescription to a healthy life.
In my case, I went through two different series of allergy treatments. The test and results were not conclusive the first time, and that is why I did it the second time a few years later. I discovered that allergies develop from too much exposure to things I was using daily, or are exposed too daily. The list is too long to list here, but it included just about anything on plant earth. Once I got the allegies under control the sinus infections stopped.
If you haven't been tested, talk to your doctor about getting tested, especially since he mentioned their possibility as the underlying cause. At least the processes will identify whether treatments are necessary or not.
Originally posted by Mr.Magoo:
"Killing is often tinged with sadness, maybe your sad meter is full".
Doc, that line touched me deeply too. With your father and your own health issues it's amazing to me you got out at all. Maybe it's just the getting out that is what you need, a time-out from the stresses of life. You feel the pressure to make a kill out of a lifetime of habit. Maybe shorten your outings, relax and enjoy it as a diversion. When it feels right, take the shot. Sounds to me like a fun time anyway, lots of face-to-face action. If you need the meat that's different. Do you have someone near to help if you make a kill?
Things will smooth out for you, they always do. I'll add you to my Prayers.
Doc, there is already a lot of good advice and theories here so I just want to add that you and your father will be in my prayers.
Doc, you're ok in my book. I'd hunt with you any time... even if we both decided not to shoot anything.
You will take one when it feels right. Until then enjoy the time in God's creation.
Be brave.
Keep on keeping on.
I've passed up several shots this year at does and yearlings. There's nothing wrong with that,hang in there, when the time is right you'll know it. It's not all about shooting an animal. You and your Dad are in my prayers.
God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes we dont understand or like the way things are going. But often you can look back and see that events took you in a particular direction and there seems to be reason to the madness. At any rate you and your father are in my prayers.
Me and the quy I hunt with joke about no shots or misses as having all the fun wothout the work. Heck after the kill is a lot of work probably in the back of your mind you knew you wernt up to it at the time.
God bless
Thanks to all, old friends on here and new.
I guess I knew that if I posted, I'd get a lot of wonderful support and input and thought-provoking feedback.
You've all helped tremendously. You made me stop and reflect without all the emotion that was attached initially--- I guess you helped me be more objective.
I've noted before that when things are 'unsettled' in life, my instinct to kill is always diminished. As a boy growing up in the farm community, I know if you want to eat it, "you gotta kill it whether it's a carrot or a cow!"
I've always felt the reality of a life I take very seriously, which is why I process my own deer entirely... I owe it to them.
Truth is that a couple hours after I take these danged anti-biotics, I get pretty sick in the gut and feel all sorts of "odd" (EZ, Killie, I know I AM odd, but this is different!) :knothead: :rolleyes: :)
I couldn't put it together all the rest of the weekend or into MOnday, but reading all the great notes, brought it in focus.
My Sad Meter is pretty full...and it has to be something pretty serious to merit the taking of a life right now... and then given the work after the shot, I'm ok in the AM, but later in the day... not so much.
First 2 weekends, I left the woods early for the same reason...this time, I stayed.
Funny... I was more excited to have the ghillie suit work well inside 15 yards than I was to make meat. Got a few more outings to go and hopefully, when the meds clear my system, I can get back to enjoying the pursuit of my winter's meat and the effort involved that I've always enjoyed.
Again, thanks to all my old and new friends for the posts, emails and PMs. By admitting to some sense of ambivilance, I've been blessed in many ways. Thank you All!!! :notworthy: :campfire:
You are in your right mind Doc. You will do as you need when the time is right.
Doc,
Many good thoughts have been shared by a number of members.
I've noticed since I retired a few years ago, my attitude toward taking a shot has changed. Prior to retirement hunting was serious business and not enough time to do it well. So I'd make the trip thinking find deer, shoot same. And I would come home whipped due to the amount of energy I put into the hunt which was usually successful in putting venison in the freezer.
After retiring I found much more time to be in the woods and not only look for deer, but experience all the many other pleasures of sitting out in some of God's handiwork.
Instead of a deer a year, I've only taken two in the past seven years. Both were trophy bucks first seen in the Spring and followed until the start of the rut. Both taken from the ground. I've passed on many does who were still with fawns thinking they will be taking care of a good animal for another year.
I'm not against shooting does, but somehow just doesn't feel as right between my ears as it once did.
Even the shot at bucks is tougher than I remember it being. And when approaching the downed animal there is real sorrow in the passing of life.
In the past two years I started carrying a small digital camera with a decent zoom lens. Yes, the longbow is along too, but the camera is taking most of the shots these days.
Whether with bow or camera, the days afield are somehow very different for me. And actually, I think I enjoy them more. The time to retire was significantly influenced by health issues. Perhaps that's why life has become a bit more precious.