Don't know how many of you have seen this before but I am in the process of cleaning out my computer to make transfer of data to my (finally required) new one easier (my posting may be rather sporadic for awhile) and ran across this. I found it quite enlightening (and amusing) and would like you other frequent tool users to enjoy it - even if it's "again" -
I'm not gone - just "tied up" (and thoroughly confounded, probably ;) ), and figured any others who haven't connected on a deer yet this year could use a laugh or two also.
Later, B
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In the interest of science, we provide these "more accurate" tool descriptions:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer
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BOW STRING: Used to raise large purple welts on inner forarms, usually too long (not too problematic) or too short ( a little more of a problem) for it's other intended uses.
I added the last one and please feel free to add any similar Bow/archery related tools you think of as long as the thread stays around. (I understand!) - B
Funny. Seems I've worked with that guy a few times.
Ok I think this one is going to have to be permanently attached to my tool chest at work!
"Broadhead" - What your friend calls you when your bowstring catches the brim of your cap and spins it around on your head as you shoot.
"Tree Stand" - Used by the U.S. Army Airborne school to teach "parachute landing falls"
"Ghillie Suit" - Device used to clear food plots of dead brush, branches, and anything with a thorn attached. Directions are simple, just walk and EVERYTHING will stick to the suit.
"Camo-Face Paint" - used as a wrinkle remover. By the time all of it is scrubbed off, 7 layers of skin and 15 years of wrinkles will come off as well.
"Bow Rack" - What happens when you stumble over a thorny vine while wearing your Ghillie Suit and your longbow comes up between your legs as you fall.
"Quiver" - What the bowhunter does just after dark, walking back to his truck and steps over a branch, then the branch rattles, and crawls away.
"Bow Quiver" - What the bow does, on its own, as any legal animal comes within range.
"Flashlight" - Heavy, machined, aluminum tube that "flashes" one brief bright light before fading to a dim yellow, and then going completely dark
Ok, thats all I've got for now,
Who's Next?
John
"Nocking Point" - The spot just above the right eye the bow "knocks" if you are lucky enough to avoid the "bow rack"
"Arrow Nock" - Sound made by the arrow against the riser during the "bow quiver"
"Scrape Line" - Auto insurance companies love the scrape line, it occurs when driving a $35,000.00 truck down a narrow road and the tree branches are narrower than the road, the result in the new paint is a "scrape-line"
"Trail-Cam" - Hi-tech, infrared, camera used to count raccoons.
"Steel Insert" - What is written on most bowhunters emergency room admission papers while the doctor is trying to stitch up a cut from trying to sharpen steel broadheads.
Someone has to have a better imagination than me.
John
I don't know but they are pretty darned good, John - LOL
enjoyed some of those :thumbsup: :biglaugh:
That's hee-hee-larious stuff right there! :bigsmyl:
tree stand - what a hunter says when hunting in high winds
ground blind - an optical device to render a deer as such
powder bottle - the only tool a hunter carries that attracts moisture
deer call - a field phone used by some hunters to notify deer of the hunter's presence
rattling horns - a handy, cold morning finger whacking, device
pull rope - a tree stand hunter's door bell
I love it!
after 65 yrs patiently waiting for enlightenment, I now feel lighter :)
RUSTY
Snakeboots- Boots that all snakes must "at least" try out for effectivness as my co-worker says, LOL. I think he could get on a snake in Alaska.
Good stuff there, I use those tools about everyday.
I recently used my belt sander for a manicure!
It gets pretty warm, pretty fast! Who really listens to those disclaimers anyway?
Thanks Bernie :bigsmyl:
:readit: :notworthy: :archer:
Bow Stringer - A long chord that can mysteriously tie itself into complex knots! Also can be used as a training tool for learning to untie complex knots.
AAARRRGGGGHHH!
How DO those stringers do that just by lying in a tackle box! :banghead:
Too Funny Sir!!!! :biglaugh:
Yeah - my stringer does it every time I go hunting - laying right in the front seat of my truck, while I am out hunting my fingers to the bone. What a strange sense of humor those stringers have - they know you are going to come back and try to use them - after dark! :rolleyes:
(Thank you, Terry.)
I believe you forgot
camera: device that ensures no game will come near you. However effects can be disabled by simply it leaving in the car, using batteries with enough juice to turn it on- but then die, or not having enough space on your memory card to take new photos. In these scenarios effects are reversed and game is drawn towards you, with the stipulation you are either not on legal hunting grounds, or carrying a bow.
You know, I've been diligently taking my camera every single time I've hunted this year - that may just be why I am not seeing any deer. :banghead:
Bernie, you been in my shop??
I love that tool description.
Dennis